Who Knew?

One of the most powerful things I have ever learned was birthed during a night of terror.  I had been struggling through some deep fear for months and wasn’t sure I was going to make it.  The darkness was heavy and I couldn’t detect its boundaries.  I did the only thing I knew how to do in that frightening place…cry out to God for help.  I told Him I couldn’t go on this way.  And then a word came into that hellish night.  An unexpected and unclear one, but I knew I hadn’t manufactured it somewhere in the recesses of my own mind.  “It will be like a circumcision, personal, but painful.”  Somehow comfort was also there when I recognized that my words had been heard even if I didn’t understand the reply and had no idea what it would mean. 

Days and months and years passed as I experienced God’s gradual intervention in my life, His encouragement, His provision, His strength, His work, His desire for me and His call to come closer, to trust, to believe Him, not just in theory, but in the daily events of my life.  Somewhere along the way I began to understand that now-distant reply about circumcision.  He was cutting me away from myself.  I needed to learn the precious lesson of trusting Him when it seemed on the surface like I was losing something in the process, when I could see the blood of my own life dripping out.  He wanted me to find the intimacy and kindness of His goodness instead of settling for what I could devise for my life as I sought the things I thought were most important.  He wanted to give me secrets and treasure of what is truly most valuable, but I couldn’t do that if I was stacking my own treasure up somewhere, or hiding in my insulated securities instead of receiving His.

I count it as one of the greatest blessings of my life that He would take the time to work with me, to let some kind of evidence of Himself be shaped into my life.  Yes, many days have been painful and I have learned that His timetable certainly doesn’t match the one I would prefer.  I find I am now ar less concerned about the wait than I used to be, or what others understand of why I do life the way I do.  There is a deep place of peace in knowing, in experiencing His faithfulness and wisdom that provides a stable yet fruitful place to live.  He is good.  I now believe that every lesson is about trust.  Will we truly trust Him?  Our days are filled with that question in a million variations because knowing we can is the greatest prize we could ever be offered.  He gives us every opportunity to find out.