Her Way

 She’d told us dozens of times, “Don’t cry when I’m gone.”  She’d also been saying for a long time, “I’m ready.”  Those who knew her recognized her as a determined woman in some specific areas of life, and numerous people outside the family also heard her make the statements mentioned above, but only those who saw her in this past week or so realized how seriously she meant what she’d said.

Over the past days several medical professionals heard our account of the progression of her decline and couldn’t seem to wrap their heads around the timeline that had occurred.  We three daughters had seen it though, understood her better, observed her substantial weariness, and stood with her as she walked as she chose to the end of her life.  Through these days she has taught us something about the human will--a more powerful thing than we knew.  Momma took her last breaths peacefully just after 6:00 last evening.  The atmosphere was a bit unconventional.

I won’t go into all of the details, but we’d been told around 4:00 yesterday afternoon that she had very little time left.  Marcia, Laurie, and I gathered a few things and settled in to spend Tuesday night and whatever hours of Wednesday would be left in her journey.  A few of grandkids arrived and while surrounding her we collectively came to a sense of the spirit that Momma wanted in the room as she was released from her earthly time.  And after creating it there was only another few minutes before she very peacefully slipped away.  It seems like she was waiting for us to set the stage for the exit she desired most.  

Mom was quirky and generous and visionary.  When she wanted to do something, she often had a pretty specific idea of how she wanted it done.  “Efficiency” could have been her middle name.  Even in her death she seemed truly herself.  She left us honestly and, it seems, purposefully.

She was our biggest fan, putting in the shadows any abilities she ever claimed we girls had as cheerleaders and majorette leading the band.  Our MOM was actually the top cheerleader.  We will greatly miss that previously undying support that has now flickered out.  We sat with her for a long while after her passing, remembering many things we were privileged to have had and will never experience again in quite the same way.  

There is a lot to process and a boatload of things to embrace about what she’s given us and all we have to be grateful for.  I thank her for all of it.  I also want to thank those of you who have shared your care these past couple of weeks, supporting us through these days and especially for the prayers that became arms around us offering strength and comfort.  You made these steps easier and more tender as we felt your love for us and for mom.  

Life goes by so quickly.  What we are more acutely aware of today is the opportunity we have to be together and to love one another.  We are aware more than ever of the importance of being willing to work through differences and rebuild damaged bridges.  Don’t take the moments and the relationships of your life lightly.  And if you get the chance, get a recipe for German Chocolate Brownies and Sour Cream Coffee Cake and enjoy them occasionally, and remember our mom.  (If you come to her Celebration of Life service in a couple of weeks, copies will be available.)

Momma, may your beat go on.

Sunset Days

It has only been three days since I posted, but it seems like weeks.  So much has been pressed into these bittersweet hours.  My momma’s situation has deteriorated and there have been decisions to make and things to monitor.  Her condition had declined and on Saturday evening she had an episode that required transporting her to the ER.  Gratefully, Laurie and I were right with her when it occurred--up until then we’d been taking turns visiting to cover evenings and mornings.  

Fast track forward...momma is now in hospice care.  We have had some very sweet moments with her in her awake times.  Even though Alex’s wedding is just eleven days away and there are additional major things on the other burners of life, I have experienced His faithfulness once again.  There have been difficult moments and time-sensitive decisions that we did our best to maneuver, and found that they had been sound ones.  

Some unexpected pieces and people were present that have been precious gifts in the process.  As is the case in life, there have also been a few challenging folks, which made us even more thankful for those whose hearts and efforts to communicate with compassion and the information that we needed.  But life is rarely insulated, even when we would most like it to be.  My colleague, Rich, who lost his own mother the evening we were in the ER gave me some very good advice.  “Feel everything, soon it will be something glorious, beyond feeling.”  They have been words that let me be in these moments without emotionally running from the pain, which have quickly proven to become doorways of gratitude instead of locked gates and pent up emotions.  But no matter what, it is a process.  

What is on our plates now seems like a whole lot, but His grace, mercy, and strength are buoyant and tangible realities and sustain us on.  It is miraculous.  And He proves He is enough for the journey.  

I will ask for your prayers for momma and the family as we see her through her last days and approach the wedding ahead as well as preparing for her memorial service.  

He is good, and His love endures forever.  I am utterly grateful to be His well-loved daughter, to receive His lavish provision, to know that His faithfulness is present always and is revealed over and over even in days as tough as these.  A sure place to stand, to rest, to be.

Get There

Pain can be a birth canal that presses us toward a new understanding, a new experience, a truer reality.  If we stop trying to escape the discomforts (in the multitude of ways we humans are experts at attempting to do that) and see it as a transition time to a different place, we can discover that He has led us through to a birthplace of light and open space, fresh air and song.

Resistance to the pressing in often keeps us stuck in the canal, while we get bigger and bigger and make our exit all the more difficult.  We do have the option of trusting Him, of knowing that the pain is not the end of the journey, and to be transformed at our core.  Even if the situation doesn’t change for a long time, we will be a different person in the midst of it, far more equipped to live well, to be strong, to have His guidance and His peace, to make it beautifully.  

Be confident...even if you’ve become a big baby in the canal.  God knows how to deliver you.  Let Him.

Breathe On

It has been a difficult few weeks.  My momma had pneumonia, became dehydrated, spent several days in the hospital and is now rehabbing.  This weekend we celebrated her 90th birthday, but her energy is low and she is weary.  In addition, our son and his lovely fiancee will be married in three weeks and there are preparations to be made as the day approaches.  I am acutely aware of the seasons of life right now, the changes we experience, the beginnings and the winding downs.  It feels raw.  It is hard.  It is good.  It is woven with hope.  It is uncomfortable.  And it is peaceful too.  

I have felt the sweet call of God to trust Him in this time, to be confident in His care and provision, to find Him in new ways, in deeper places.  He keeps giving me a smile, one side of His mouth pulling up in His awareness of my limited perspective and His ability to oversee it all.  I feel a gentle coax to keep trusting, for He has provision and paths ready for me.

I am grateful once again for His faithfulness, His surprises, for the things I have watched in those who have taken Him at His word, who have believed He means what He says and does what He promises.  The lives of those who have sown seeds of trust give off the fragrance of the bouquet their faith has bloomed.  I have breathed in the aroma.  I have been reminded of His goodness.  I have heard your stories and filled dozens of journals with the evidence of His potency in my own life.  I feel His tenderness.  

If you wonder if He is real, if you have walked in the waters of faith and left if for what felt like more solid ground that you notice has become dusty with dried out promises that didn’t live up to the hype, be assured that He is still available and there are treasures of wisdom and peace awaiting you.  He is good.  He is alive.  He is more than enough for all our realities.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

 It seems important this morning to remember that we need to know God as Father, Warrior/Savior/Lover, and Inspired Friend.  If you are comfortable with some of those roles of His, but not others, ask Him to reveal to you today something of the power and care in the other aspects of who He is.  All of it is true and beneficial and absolutely for you.

The River Runs

Just as the rains run naturally to the lowest places, so too, God’s grace gathers and pools in the place of our deepest needs.  His mercies are new every morning.  He does not turn up a holy nose at our shortcomings or smirk at our mistakes.  He is kind.  He is powerful.  He is good.  He is strong.  And He is lavishly for us. 

O that we would believe that He loves us and is mightily at work for His best to be revealed.  O that we would give Him room and trust Him to unfold good things.  O that we would cry out to Him in our need, then respond and open the door widely when He comes to us and points the way. O that we would accept that He is God and able to do what we cannot instead of trying to play God ourselves and insist on creating our own kingdom.  All the best is at hand for us if we will but follow Him and receive.

He is there, where you need Him most, waiting to be soaked into your story.  His desire is that we would find His presence and provision joyful.

Be Wise

It is tempting to settle into a place because of pride, stubbornness, hurt, loneliness, or shame, but it is costly if it isn’t a place of truth, freedom, and goodness.  Be careful where you land.  Sometimes the trade-off costs us our life.  To feel like we are protecting ourselves in the moment can turn into years of early death.  He died to give us life.  Don’t squander the offer.  Don’t exchange it for bondage.

The Amazing Doorway

Trust is what opens the way for our lives to become the size of the imaginations of God rather than the infinitely smaller things we could design.  Trust Him, and see how much He has in His mind and heart for you, and for others, as His will has available hearts of humans to work through.

Trust in His goodness and character, and you will find yourself in the middle of opportunities to do what He did.  If that is what you desire, there is a world of possibility at hand.  He will lead any willing heart into that size of adventure.